It's about POWER!

I realize that I have often believed that I may not be smart enough or intelligent or good enough. And every time I have felt that way, I feel inferior around people (duh!!). It's really weird though that because I often have not thought about how I'm feeling I have often resented people for expressing their intelligence or creative powers. Really weird!! I wonder how they feel when I turn on them, do they know that I am insecure, how do I recover after such an attack (which is very passive aggressive).

Here is a proposed solution for self:

It's okay to feel less smart or whatever around people. My goal is to invest in myself improvement as long as I live therefore, allow people to express themselves, even if that means they are always right. Surrender and let the smart ones speak. You don't have to accept or do whatever they propose on you. Take the time to think through it even when you can say what's on your mind. Its not weakness - not at all.

And if you happen to be around people you appear to know more than, do not assert your intelligence prowess as if you are the only one. Learn from everyone and realize, nobody is better than you and you are not better than anyone else.

Ask questions
Take the time to think and come to your own conclusions
Be certain in your own ideas and what you believe in
Allow people to be themselves, don't be bothered but only when you fail to learn from someone

Am not sure how to apologize to the people I have offended by my insecurities. I hope with time I can figure that out soon.

Embarrassed

The most embarrassing thing about this is knowing that it's no one's fault, but your own. It's easy to want to blame somebody for your own affairs. A silly example is getting mad because I'm doing a sloppy job on an important assignment and all [she] wants to do is get results and working hard. How the hell do I get the balls to blame her for my own stupidity and laziness. IT'S incredible how I come to the conclusion and the unhappiness that I brought on myself because someone is working harder than I am.

The reality is this, I have insecurity, jealousy, lack of discipline, laziness, low self esteem, envy and for me to blame others is just plain stupid. If I don't want to feel this way or that, I need to accept that others are going to do certain things better than I and what I need to do is to work just as hard and even harder than them if I want to be the better person and the best. It's that simple.

But the sad thing is knowing that you are ruining yourself. You have to look deep within to resolve your own destructive issues and take responsibility and that's painful.

"Excellence is being able to perform at a high level for a long period of time" - Jay Z

Taking Stock: The Inventory of Life

What questions do you use for reflection and why?

Paraphrasing Tim Ferriss - Every 4-8 weeks at longest, I do 80/20 inventory of my emotional states. What are 20% of activities and relationships that are producing 80% of my positive emotional states and 20% of activities and people creating 80% of negative emotional states, the overwhelm, the guilt and so and put together a to-do list and a not-to-do-list accordingly. Specifically, the not to do list, the things to cut out.

To impress you

For you. Hardeep.

Since I was young I have had the unpleasant misfortune of always feeling inferior and afraid. Despite appearances, I know how low my self esteem is. This is an unbearable situation I wish no one would ever go through. Here I am today, turning 27yrs old in a 6days and I can't believe how scared I still am of the world.

I have covered  up this fear with many fronts, from feigning false aggresion, anger,  and other odd habits. I've done everything I can not to be myself, it's tiring and exhausting. And it's  distructive.

My problem is insecurity and low self esteem, I don't trust myself and my own abilities. And instead of dealing with that, I have often turned on others as the cause of my problems. I have demonstrated aweful behavior and had terrible thoughts towards people who have only been good* to me.

And today this stops. It's OK to reinvent myself by enhancing my natural self. I compassionate, kind, sensitive, emotional and there's nothing wrong with that. My goal now is to discipline my mind and self to remain true to who I am. Learn from others, pursue things I care about and give to the world.

" Its ok to ask for what you want and be firm when you ask"

Nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else.